You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I have obtained a hat
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
when someone rings the doorbell
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.