[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.