My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.