ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Just me?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”