hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*