WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
all bases covered
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
omg leave her alone