all bases covered
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I never needed anything more in my life
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me doing my best
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..