did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?