@ghostkrogh

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

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@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@ninjadinosaur1

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

@JimmerThatisAll

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.