Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.


My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.


Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.


My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.