Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You Might Also Like
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Hot Hot Hot
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.