ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
You Might Also Like
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel