Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.