Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Real House Wines.