@WritePlay

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

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@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

@YSylon

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@andrewmpearce

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

@AngryRaccoon2

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

@KalvinMacleod

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.