*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this