Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck