if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
SF is the wild wild west man
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.