(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry