Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.