Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
✌️
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
