Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
CUTE CAT‼︎
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
