@robyn_vo Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
@JohnLyonTweets Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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@robyn_vo 
@FredSchultz35 “So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
@SteveDutzy Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
@markedly ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
@JediGigi Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
@JediGigi [sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
@JimmerThatisAll People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
@CharmandBrains *Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
@ThoughtOtter Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
@AHMalcolm Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about