Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense