*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
asked my bf how work was today
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
For the ones in the back.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.