[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.