Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
This fish is cracking me up
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?