me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
the clam before the storm
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Check your privilege
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.