I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.