My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
You Might Also Like
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.