A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
FINE, I WON’T.
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
i love modern commerce
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.