A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
They’re really bad with fonts.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.