A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Two. I have 2 kids.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I occasionally drink every single night.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Please let me in.. 😂
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.