interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Bring back the McRib
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?