You Might Also Like
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.