KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.