My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.