Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I saw this ending much differently.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here