Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
3% human
97% stress
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Swedish for common sense.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind