John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.