me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Good boy 😂😂
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.