I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me too
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.