GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??