You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

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[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation


On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.


If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.


[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him


[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?


Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,


Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there


It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.


I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?


If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.