@cluedont

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

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@david8hughes

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@pleatedjeans

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

@ericsshadow

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

@HOSTAGEKILLER

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

@fro_vo

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

@JaimeSamantha

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

@SwearySpice

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@amburgklur

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.