You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You Might Also Like
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Don’t tell me what to do
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Canada has crack?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn