If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy