Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
first you must answer his riddles
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’