me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
waiting for halloween be like:
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”