do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.