I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.