“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.