autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When I said I liked it rough.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
this independent good boy don’t need no human
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.