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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I enjoy a good short stor
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Breaking news:
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
This one’s “Alex”.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot