DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
had to make it
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan