[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]