Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
You Might Also Like
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓