I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
You Might Also Like
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
They grow up so quick
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??