My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Bit chilly again tonight.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The devil.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭