I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.


If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.


As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.


When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.


Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.


I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.


The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.


ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-


It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus